Chapter 141 Love? (Two in One) (5/5)

The chaotic breathing sounds intertwined in the bedroom, as if two enemies were fighting fiercely, to the death, confusing the mind.

"Remember our first time?"

Hu Mengdie raised her head weakly, wiped the corner of her mouth gently, and murmured softly. Her eyes were like a pool of spring water rippling by the wind.

How could he not remember? Hu Mengdie said her parents were not at home. Li Zhuangsheng understood the hint and came up, also on this bed. Hu Mengdie kissed him like this, and then smiled:

"Why are you still in a daze?"

Hu Mengdie leaned close to Li Zhuangsheng's ear again, kissed his ear, and then kissed his mouth. The girl's fragrance after bathing made Li Zhuangsheng's mind collapse, and Li Zhuangsheng couldn't help but take the initiative to reach out and touch her jade-like skin.

"Hubby... I'm safe today..." Hu Mengdie's voice trembled, her eyes were hazy, and her lips smelled fragrant.

She is safe today, there is a safety bar inside the pillow, there is no problem at all, we are already adults, she is my wife, no problem, no problem, no problem…

The hot voice kept repeating in his mind. Li Zhuangsheng's mind could no longer accommodate any distracting thoughts. He reached out and untied the only remaining cloth on Hu Mengdie's upper body, leaving no obstruction.

Hu Mengdie smiled sweetly, as bright as a delicate flower, letting him ask for whatever he wanted. She was so happy that she couldn't help but confess her love:
"Hehe, I love you."

However, as the confession came, Li Zhuangsheng's movements suddenly stopped.

It was as if a bolt of thunder suddenly sounded out of nowhere, like a wake-up call, which restored his sanity.

He rolled backwards and landed on the ground with a tumble.

"Husband, you..."

"No, no, you don't love me!"

Li Zhuangsheng got up from the ground, his face flushed and sweat pouring down, like a monk who had just broken free from his inner demons, but he interrupted Hu Mengdie with extraordinary firmness.

"How could that be? I love you!" Hu Mengdie was stunned and quickly stepped forward to express her feelings.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Li Zhuangsheng took a step back, closed his eyes and shook his head vigorously, as if to get rid of the lustful thoughts in his mind. “Put your clothes on quickly. I’m sorry… but you really don’t love me!”

She has realized that she has failed because of the words "I love you".

Her eyes were red as she looked at Li Zhuangsheng's appearance at this moment, feeling aggrieved, ashamed, and unspeakable sadness.

The two remained deadlocked in silence for a long time.

"I'm dressed now, please open your eyes." Hu Mengdie took a deep breath slowly.

Li Zhuangsheng opened his eyes, but Hu Mengdie had only put on her underwear, sat on the bed, hugged her knees, and tears welled up in her eyes.

"I'm sorry, I was a little... out of control just now." Li Zhuangsheng bit his lips until they turned white.

"It's okay. I seduced you. Why are you apologizing?" Hu Mengdie pursed her lips. "Or do you think I'm dirty and unworthy of others in the future?"

"No no……"

"Come sit down, let's chat."

Li Zhuangsheng sat down beside the bed.

Hu Mengdie laughed: "Put your feet up too. I couldn't eat you just now, and I have no chance now."

Li Zhuangsheng followed suit silently, imitating Hu Mengdie's gentle hugging of his knees.

The two of them leaned on the bed side by side, Li Zhuangsheng lowered his head, and Hu Mengdie stared at the ceiling in a daze.

"Please put on your clothes properly. It's November and the temperature has dropped. Don't get sick..."

"Do you know why my dad treats you so well?"

After a while, Hu Mengdie suddenly asked softly.

"I... because, I, I am an outsider?" Li Zhuangsheng stammered.

"Actually, what you want to say is, 'Don't you see what kind of people his daughters are like and what kind of men they are looking for? He should be satisfied to find a son-in-law like me!'" Hu Mengdie laughed.

"No, I think you guys are great!"

"So you're admitting that the men we met before were not good. You've always believed that my dad favored you because the previous prospective sons-in-law were so bad?"

Li Zhuangsheng agreed.

"Actually, there are reasons for this, but the fundamental reason is that you are his son," said Hu Mengdie.

"Ah?" Li Zhuangsheng was stunned. Hu Mengdie did not explain to Li Zhuangsheng, but smiled and said, "You know, I am not the child my parents expected, and neither is Meng Ke. Of course, from a certain perspective, Meng Ke is even more of a mistake."

Li Zhuangsheng was dumbfounded: "What do you mean?"

"My parents were disappointed when I was born because I was a girl and they wanted a boy."

"In fact, the preference for boys over girls..."

Li Zhuangsheng instinctively wanted to say that it didn't matter whether he had a boy or a girl, and that favoring boys over girls was a completely feudal idea, but he then realized that these nice nonsense were useless.

"Since I was little, my dad asked me why I wasn't a boy. They tried very hard to have a second child. During that time, they always said they went to burn incense somewhere and that some old blind man's medicine was very effective. They were so gentle to me at that time, always telling me that you were going to have a younger brother. Do you want a younger brother? I said I did. In fact, I didn't want one. I thought they would not want me after they had a younger brother. But I was afraid that the baby in my mother's belly was not a younger brother. I knew that my parents were so gentle during that time because I had a younger brother in my belly. If I didn't have a younger brother, I dare not think how disappointed and angry they would be."

Li Zhuangsheng was slightly horrified when he heard this. He knew that Hu Mengdie only had a younger sister and no younger brother.

"You know what happened later. Burning incense and praying to Buddha is all superstition. Meng Ke was born. Mom's health was also bad, and she couldn't get pregnant again. Even if the family planning policy was relaxed later, it was useless. Mom and Dad never mentioned my brother again, but I understand that they still wanted a son. Meng Ke and I were not what they wanted."

Hu Mengdie calmly spoke the words that Li Zhuangsheng had never heard her mention before.

"My father was very strict with Meng Ke and me, and he always had a stern face. Especially me, because I was older and had been sent to very expensive dance classes since I was young. He said that he didn't expect to have a son in this life, so he should at least raise a daughter. I didn't know what this meant at the time, and I didn't like dancing, but my father asked me to learn, so I studied hard. Later, I vaguely thought that he was still unwilling to accept it. He felt that he was inferior because he didn't have a son, so he hoped that I could earn back the face he lost because of 'not having a son'."

"I danced in front of his friends, relatives and cultural performances... When he heard 'your daughter is so great', he finally smiled. Maybe only then could he temporarily forget that he didn't have a son."

"When I was a child, I was often beaten. I was beaten for poor test scores, for being criticized by the teacher, for not being chosen as the lead dancer in the dance class, and even for any small thing... He was always dissatisfied with me and always compared me with better children. I often wondered, if I were a boy, would he still be so strict with me?"

"Because I'm not his son, I have to work twice as hard to make him look good. But I'm not a smart kid, so my grades are destined to not meet his expectations. I can only work harder on dancing. I really envy Meng Ke. She doesn't have to dance, so she doesn't have to bear so much pressure."

Li Zhuangsheng couldn't help but smile in amazement: "Isn't this the Besieged City... Meng Ke, she told me that she envies you very much, and that mom and dad's focus is always on you, and they are always proud of you."

"How could it be like this... So, it's like this... Hehe, people outside the city want to get in, and people inside the city want to get out. But what she wants is not that good, that is a life without self, completely controlled... When I was in elementary school, the teacher asked us about our dreams, and my answer was always the same - to become a dancer like Yang Liping. In fact, I didn't know Yang Liping at the time, I just knew that she was a great dancer. In fact, I didn't want to be a dancer, but what else should I answer?"

"I seem to have no dreams, and my life is completely out of my control. When the class was divided in the second semester of my senior year, the teacher said that if I joined the dance class, I would definitely be able to go to a very good university in the future, but if I chose liberal arts, I would probably only be able to go to a second-tier university. I really wanted to join the dance class at that time, because dancing has been my specialty since elementary school, and it is an advantage, and it would be much easier than joining the liberal arts class... But my father didn't agree, so there was nothing I could do. He spent so much money to send me to dance for his face, and asked me to give up dance for the college entrance examination, also for his face."

"In the final analysis, it was because he didn't have a son. He felt inferior to others without a son, so he wanted me to make up for it. But I was really bad. I didn't get into the county middle school in the junior high school entrance examination, and I just barely got into a key university in the college entrance examination. In order to get a name in a key university, I could only study a useless major. In the end, I returned to my hometown from the big city in disgrace and became depressed... The two years after I graduated from college were the most depressing time for my father. My two daughters were more useless than each other, which made him lose face. He was more afraid to go out and see people than I was."

As Hu Mengdie spoke, she began to laugh at herself.

"But then, you showed up. You were his ideal son: honest, obedient, good character, respectful to elders, a civil servant and a part-time writer. If he had a son, you would be the ideal model. He had been frustrated for so many years, but because of you, he suddenly felt proud and his back straightened up."

Li Zhuangsheng was a little overwhelmed: "I, I'm not that good either..."

"Do you still remember the first time you met, at the barbecue restaurant downstairs? You secretly paid the bill when you left. In fact, he saw you pay the bill, but didn't say anything. When they finished eating, he deliberately called the boss over to pay the bill. The boss said you paid, but you didn't see the expression on his face at that time. He shouted, 'What, he paid, this kid, I didn't even know', he was so proud that he wanted to let the whole world know."

Li Zhuangsheng didn't know how to respond.

"On the way home, he kept praising me, saying that I had finally made him proud and satisfied, and that I was a good son-in-law and that I must seize the opportunity... You know, before this, he hadn't praised me for many years, and he was not satisfied with anything I did."

"Now do you know why he likes you so much? Because you are his son, and you are his backbone. When you called him dad for the first time, he said that it was the happiest day of his life. Others thought he was just saying it for show, but I know he was absolutely serious. In his heart, Meng Ke and I combined are not as important as you."

Li Zhuangsheng couldn't help but comforted him, "In fact, I think your father really cares about you. Later, he secretly transferred the money for Meng Ke and Xuan Xuan's hospitalization to me."

Hu Mengdie couldn't help laughing, "Stupid, he just couldn't bear to see you spend money. But I guess you definitely didn't take the money he gave you, because you thought he wasn't well off, right? My dad wanted to save face, so he didn't want any betrothal gifts. The Passat he got as a dowry cost more than 200,000 yuan... Meng Ke made him lose face, so how could he be willing to give her money? Otherwise, why do you think he left Meng Ke in the hospital and didn't care about her? Was he 100% sure that you would come to pay for it later? Oh, by the way, he also supports Meng Ke and you, and hinted to me two or three times before and after the New Year. Look, he loves you so much. Both of his daughters want to marry you."

Li Zhuangsheng couldn't laugh at this at all. Faced with Hu Mengdie's self-exposure of her scars, he only felt heartache and guilt... and a kind of melancholy that made him feel helpless.

"Actually, my parents are very nice to me, but if I were a boy, they would probably love me."

Hu Mengdie said.

"You're fine..." Li Zhuangsheng bit his lip, "It's just that the environment you grew up in..."

He couldn't continue. No matter how much words of comfort he used, it was useless.

"Hehe, these words are really embarrassing. It's hard to say. I was planning to keep them buried in my heart forever."

Hu Mengdie leaned her head on Li Zhuangsheng's shoulder. Li Zhuangsheng did not dodge or resist, but remained silent.

"You know, I'm actually a very insecure person, and sometimes I'm a fool... Maybe it's because of my family when I was young, I lack love, I think others are really loving me when they are nice to me, I'm in a hurry to rebel against the whole world, but I don't know anything, I don't know what true love is, and I don't know how to love others... Hehe, I read a long passage online, I think it was written by Shi Tiesheng, he said that when you are a child, the bullet you shot, when you look back after you grow up, the bullet hits you right in the middle of your forehead."

"That was not written by Shi Tiesheng, but by a netizen who was commemorating Shi Tiesheng. Shi Tiesheng wrote something similar to bullet literature, but that was to overturn the verdict on his grandfather. The prototype of the sentence you mentioned comes from the sixth book of the second volume of Camus' Notebooks: When we are 40, we will die from a bullet that we shot into our hearts when we were 20. But this was not said by Camus, but something he heard from a friend. Camus was only in his thirties when he wrote this sentence in his notes, but perhaps he had already felt something."

"You are really my encyclopedia." Hu Mengdie bit her lip, then rubbed his shoulder with a smile.

"I just read some miscellaneous books. Nothing special." Li Zhuangsheng lowered his eyes. "I don't like bullet literature. I prefer the sword literature adapted by some people on the Internet."

"I thought about what you said to me that day for a long time after I came back."

(End of this chapter)